Does this make me too lazy to write or creative enough to make a video? Eh, prolly both.
Serenity Frost

Okay, so I was mucking about Hulu the other day and came across an old cartoon series called Bravestarr. I'd never seen the series, or even heard of it, so I decided to check it out. After having watched the first episode my brain had turned into goo.

To give you an idea of what's in store here is the intro on youtube. At the :50 mark is when the show starts to melt your sensibilities.


The pilot is called New Texas Blues and it does nothing that a pilot is supposed to do. We get no explanation as to why Marshal Bravestarr has the powers that he does and we meet two characters that I cannot for the life of me remember being in the intro. According to IMBD the first episode was called The Disappearance of Thirty-Thirty, but really I can't be bothered to watch it.

The first person to talk is Deputy Fuzz. If you recognize his voice that's because it's done by Charlie Adler who has saturated your Saturday morning cartoon life with characters on his roster like Cobra Commander, Doctor Doom, Starscream, Buster Bunny, Professor Monkey-For-A-Head, and nearly the entire cast of both Cow and Chicken and Rocko's Modern Life. With a character list like that he really should be ashamed of himself. Though, he was also Eric Raymond, Zipper and Techrat in Jem so I suppose, what with voice acting being such a lucrative business, whatever got him a paycheck was good enough.

Anyway, Deputy Fuzz takes his cues from other tiny animal sidekicks like Orko and Snarf. Be cute and just vaguely useful. As you can see when he mentions the plot of the episode, a music competition. Next we get to meet Thirty-Thirty BraveStarr's talking techno horse. The one we saw in the intro sprouting humanoid arms and legs. He has a giant gun he's named Sarah Jane and it's the first name for these character's we've gotten thus far. Next is hot red headed Judge J.B. McBride. She's the romantic interest, which should be obvious since she's going to a) sing in the competition and b) is an attractive girl who we meet in the first few minutes. She makes a point of needing to go practice and the scene moves on to the show's main villian.

We meet the back of the head of Stampede, a wrinkled old green dragon with what looks like metal bull horns stuck on his head. He's complaining about how much of a complete failure Tex Hex (also voiced by Mr. Adler) is at being a villain. He then gives the man a guitar that has the power to make people riot and take down buildings. He's named it The Black Widow. Tex Hex asks what he's supposed to do with a guitar, which is a reasonable question, really, since he'd probably have no idea there was a music competition going on. Stampede gives him simple instructions. Give it to someone who wants to win. Just proving that Stampede trusts a total stranger to pull off the job more than he does Tex Hex.

The next scene we meet the 'guy who wants to win' and his bandmate who's the voice of reason. Don't let the strange character design fool you, they're plot characters. They serve no function other than to drive the plot. Though, the 'guy who wants to win' does have a really magical way of playing that keytar.

Next we have the hero group complaining about the lack of backup. Apparently they feel something will go down at the concert (probably because they're attending) and the local law enforcement felt it was best to focus their efforts on the robot rebellion rather than indulge the Marshal's gut feeling.

Meanwhile Tex Hex is explaining his job to two more villians Vipra and Outlaw Skuzz. Vipra has the power to hypnotize people and carries a snake gun that paralyzes people. Outlaw Skuzz has a nasty smoking habit (SMOKING IS BAD KIDS) and carries a really keen insight on the human (and alien) mind. Of the badguys so far he's really been my favorite. He's actually the most competent at completing a task, even if the ones given to him are of a sidekick nature.

Tex Hex tells the two he wants them to start trouble. I'm not sure why, as one would think staying on the down low would be the best plan here, but this is probably why Tex Hex fails and villainy. Outlaw Skuzz actually asks this question. Tex Hex tells him it's to distract Marshal Bravestarr. Of course, if he didn't try to distract him, the man wouldn't know he was there. But then he also thinks that if he can just get things into enough disarray then he can just take over. So his plans aren't really that thought out.

So now the Intergalactic Music Contest begins and we get to hear some space music. Each of the bands are caught in a three movement loop while the music is performed, and it's really just god awful. It repeats the same few lines over and over again and they're not sung that well. I'm actually agreeing with Vipra on the whole hating music thing.

The Marshal complains about nothing eventful happening while Outlaw Skuzz uses his keen observation skills to pick out the alien not enjoying the music and then pesters him about it until he declares he doesn't like it. Then after a bit of rib poking 'oh ho ho' to the human next to him he actually manages to get them to fight one another. He hightails it out just before Thirty-Thirty and Marshal Bravestarr show up to break up the fight with a flowery speach. Outlaw Skuzz, being bright enough to leave after starting the fight, isn't there, but he's described so the Marshal knows who it is.

At about the same time Tex Hex is giving the Black Widow to our plot drivers. It was sure lucky he broke his keytar and refuses to play his old one.

The second band takes stage, this one's robots and they sound just like the first band. Marshal uses his EYES OF THE HAWK to scan the crowd. He spots Vipra.

More complaining with plot driver voice of reason.

Vipra picks a fight with the couple who just want to leave the blasted competition. She pulls her gun...yeah and Thirty-Thirty shows up to stop her from...paralyzing some people. He lets go of her arm, she points it at him, Marshal lassos her arm, yanks her out of the seats, ties her up, then shoots her out of the stadium with a grappling rocket of some sort. Now the Marshal suspects Tex Hex...for whatever reason. He goes back stage.

Our plot drivers are testing out the guitar it kills some flowers, but since the likelihood of that being connected to the guitar playing really is pretty slim, they pay it no mind. Well, the dude does, the girl is the voice of reason, after all.

While that's happening the Marshal is talking to the Judge about seeing anything strange. She didn't, seeing as how she was in her own trailer. She's announced to go on stage and we get to hear her sing.

Next the plot devices take the stage! They play and the riot breaks out. They somehow just know it's the guitar, but they play again anyway making the place start to crumble. Also, apparently the guitar shoots lightening. NO! He doesn't WANT to win with fighting and property damage!

The marshal spots Tex Hex. Tex Hex runs on stage, takes the guitar, and does what he probably should have done in the first play. Plays it himself. And OF COURSE! Having the bands play a song about peace and love will stop the riot AND nullify the guitar! AND IT DOES! Of course, one has to wonder why a guy who has the power to shoot off energy bolts, blow up mountains, transform, and summon creatures called 'fire-snakes' would let the fact the guitar stopped working make him give up. He even leaves in a burst of purple flames as a giant black skull. He really does just fail as a villain.

Funnily enough the plot devices don't win and the dude who wants to win declares he'll win of his own merit and not some strangers guitar. Good for him. Snarfo shows up to get his autograph and everyone has a good laugh.

At the end of the episode we get a Inspector Gadgetesque moral summary. DON'T BE TEMPTED, KIDS!


I only bothered to watch two more episodes of the show. Sherlock Holmes in the 23rd Century parts one and two. Because I enjoy hurting myself.

Good god, techno horse,
Serenity Frost

I've had this written for a bit, but shameless procrastinator that I am, I failed to put it up. To get this out of the way to make room for my ramblings, I will get another "Weekly Dose of Head Trauma" up before I have to pack up and move back down to college come next saturday. Today, however, I'd like to share my thoughts on this week's punching bag of choice: cartoons.

I know I should probably be working on a new "Weekly dose of Head Trauma" since I've yet again been putting it off, but really I haven't had a whole lot of time to watch movies lately since I've been studying for the GREs and doing other things to get ready to go back down south to my apartment and another 10 week gauntlet that is the Quarter system. However, I figured I need to at least post something, so I think I'm going to start (along with still venting on shitty/absurd movies) running a segment that basically lets me run my mouth about games/movies/media in general since:

First off, I have to say I never realized that intentionally looking for bad movies could be such a pain in the ass. I literally spent several hours to find this (my sister was the one who insisted we watch it actually), but wow....just wow, "UltraChrist!" melted sections of my brain that somehow survived my viewing of "Jesus Christ: Vampire hunter".

The plot begins with Jesus coming back down to earth and the first 3 minutes pretty much deal with him getting clothes. Yes, you read that right. If your first thought was "what the hell?" that pretty much sums up this movie. After he finds a smoking jacket and a pipe (God, I wish I were kidding) he meets and gets drunk with an ex-marketing guy who isn't really relevant to the plot until like the last 20 minutes of the film. Anyway, this guy sends the film on a further downward spiral by recommending Jesus should mimic a superhero in order to "reach out to the youth of today".

Okay, I confess, this has become less a weekly thing and more a "whenever the hell I feel like it" sort of a thing, but since we're now two months into the doldrums (better known as summer break)  I will try to keep this at a more regular interval.  Well, after next week, I've got family crap to do and I will have no internet for that time, but after that I'll try to do an article once a week.

I started my journey to alleviate boredom today by kicking off Google's parental and country filters and clicking the I Feel Lucky button. The first place I fell into was San-x's Japanese site. http://san-x.co.jp/

It seemed pretty innocuous at first. Got some bears on there, a button of what appears to be two seal sacks humping in the corner. Nothing strange for Japan. Then I started to click around and I realized where I'd seen the word San-X before. San-X is a company that deals entirely with kid's toys. Mostly plushes. I actually own one on their nyankos. (White kitten that dresses up as various foods, mine is a strawberry cake. You can see it here.) I bought it at MTAC and didn't think too hard about it. It was four of my favorite things in one, cat, plushie, strawberry, and cake. Yay Japan.

My curiosity was peaked. I decided to look up what other sorts of forms my nyanko came in. (By the way, for anyone interested, the word Nyanko is a lot like us saying Kitty. Nyan is the sound they associate with Meow there, and Ko means child. Often child of, so if someone has the name Kumiko, then it usually means child of Kumi or even nicer, child of everlasting beauty. The more you know!)

The first picture I found on Google was one of a nyanko nugget meal on a website called Spiral and Circle which seems to specialize in Japanese collectibles. A lot of these were sort of cute up until I ran into ones like the Nyanko Cat Hot Pot Plush Set for $175. "Free Shipping!" the site boasts. I'd hope so for that lot of cash.

Deciding to wander back to the San-X website I found something even more fun.A downloads section. Complete with wallpapers and icon sets of their different products which include:

Rilakkuma in Japanese is sort of the mashings of the word relax and bear. According to the website Relakkuma is apparently often see sitting by a clothes line of suits that look exactly like him and waiting for them to dry. With him is a smaller white bear and a duck. The duck is often playing straight man to the pranks that the smaller bear plays on Relakkuma.

Kerori is a frog that changes color depending on his mood.

Nyan Nyan Nyanko I mentioned earlier.

Monokuro Boo are minimalist pigs. There are two of them, one black, one white, square and simple.

Tarepanda means lazy panda. Or droopy panda, which is the translation I prefer. According to the site Tarepanda is very lazy and gets around by rolling at 2.75 meters per hour. The word Tare specifically means to lay on your tummy. Tarepanda is really popular as he got the most hits on my google search.

Mamegoma means bean seal. As you can tell, the people at San-X are really creative at naming things.

Jewel Cat is, from what I can tell, meant to appeal to older Japanese girls. Kind of like how we have Lisa Frank . Come on, girls, I know you remember her.

Kutusitanyanko. Oh God Kutusitanyanko. Kutusitanyanko creeps me out. So very very much. The name means cat wearing socks and he apparently enjoys piano.

Sabokappa is a kappa mixed with a cactus. This one is actually meant to be an air freshener. The word Kappa means river child and it's pretty famous in Japanese folklore. Just in case you were wondering, a real kappa looks like this. Yeah.

San-X also makes plushes out of foods. A chestnut named Amagurichan, a family of cheeses, a rice grain that's always found at the bottom of the bowl named Ginshari-san, apples, bean vread, peas, a tangerine, and yogurt.

And not to forget Tissue-san and Beer-chan a 20 year old beer fairy.

Om nom kittehs,
Serenity Frost

And when I mean good, I mean it's borderline something I shouldn't be able to talk about on a blog segment that will deal mainly with bad movies.  The only legitimate reason for the article being posted is that the movie is just so far out that it somehow sticks the dial on awesome even as it makes parts of your brain short out.

Zebraman reminds me a great deal of Neverending Story, Stardust and Princess Bride in that it functions within it's genre, yet it's very tongue and cheek.  Zebraman is about a guy who's wife is cheating on him, his kids don't respect him, has a job where he's not respected or noticed, and his only joy is dressing up like the superhero from an old obscure 70s show and pretending to attack his pillows.  He is both a satire on the fan culture that the internet perpetuates, where adults can sit and argue about whether He-man would kick Thundarr the Barbarian's ass until they're about to pass out, and a fan fulfillment.  He gets to become Zebraman, a reward for never letting go of the childishness most people try to shed (The Great Yokai War also deals with this theme).

There's also a lot of scenes that point out the functional retardedness of superheroes.  There's scenes with Zebraman running up to a lady being mugged or peeking from behind the snack food isle at the Japanese equivalent of a 7-11.  Even the victims in trouble stop and stare at him, because well, he's a grown man running around in a black and while Zebra superhero costume.  It reminds us of why many superheroes have a nocturnal regiment; it doesn't matter how badass you are, you're still a guy in a goofy costume.  I mean, just look at Superman, it's amazing he's never been laughed out Metropolis (Of course Superman's kind of a DICK so that might be why no one's laughed at his red sew on boots and matching undies outside his clothes).

It's a quirky watch and one I recommend to people when they ask for a movie suggestion simply because one has to experience it for the sheer uniqueness of the experience. 

Black and White Ecstacy, baby.  Shine on, Zebraman.

Jenna Darknight

Just as the title claims, I'm making up for the lack of MMA ariticle this week by, how you say, writing any random thing that comes to my head nonstop. For those of you with no interest in just how utterly random my thoughts can be, don't bother reading further.

How come they don't make gingerbread men small enough to fit into their houses? And why are their houses made of the same things gingerbread men are made from? Wouldn't that just be really really nasty? And how do we get more gingerbread men? I don't see many gingerbread women, and if I did I don't know how they could make little gingerbread babies. Would gingerbread babies be like animal crackers? That box does sort of look like a crib. Animal crackers is like a utopia of small slightly sweet animal shaped bread stuffs. You have a lion in there with giraffes and elephants. The rhinos are the same size as the donkeys. Are they saying that if put in animal cracker form all the species of the animal kingdom would scale to the same size? If so then would that work with other things? Maybe that's why gingerbread men can't fit into their houses. But if that's the case how big are they normally? You don't see any giant gingerbread men running around. And I know they run. There's a whole nursery rhyme about it. And nursery rhymes don't lie. Why would our parents coo lies to us in our sleep? For that matter, why would they want our first bout with literature to be so bloody basic? Little jack horner sat in a corner eating a pumpkin pie. He stuck out his thumb and pulled out a plumb and said 'Oh what a good boy am I!' How does that make sense?! His mom put a plumb in pumpkin pie? And why is he sitting in a corner while he eats it? Is he on time out? Is his mother forcing him to eat weird hybrid pie? Then why is he saying he's a good boy? And can't you give that kid a dang fork? Or even a spoon? Maybe he's eating it ala mode? And it's plumb ice cream with pumpkin pie? If that's the case then why didn't they just say so?!

How come I can't type in the word catgirl in the google image search without having to sift through all the soft core kitty porn? But I think what bothers me the most about it is how detailed and skillful it's drawn. There are so many pictures of catgirls I would love if they were just wearing a mite more clothing. And while I'm complaining, how come catgirls look so surprised all the time? Were they not expecting to be drawn? I guess the artists just think they look cute that way, but really it seems demeaning. I don't know about you, but I haven't seen a lot of real cats that weren't fiercely independent and proud. So how come their catgirl counterparts seem to be skittish? Is that the only thing that catgenes can incorporate into human DNA?

I know that corn is useful for many things other than delicious eats. Apparently you can make fuel out of it. That and moonshine. I wonder if moonshine has a corn taste to it? Oh no wait, they make moonshine out of cough medicine...no...hang on...I think that's crack. Yeah, crack out of cough meds, moonshine out of corn and whatever the hell else can strip paint off your walls. I should really repaint my room. The white on it now is flaking off in spots where I had tape or that sticky gummy stuff. That stuff rocks. Except when it peels my paint off that is. I wonder which is more exciting; watching paint dry or watching grass grow? I'm inclined to think grass grow because if it's spring or summer you might get the occasional bug. Then again if you sit close enough to paint drying you might think you're being attacked by giant bugs. That would be more exciting, except you're destroying your brain and lungs that way. So I guess watching paint dry is more of an extreme sport. You know what I saw the other day? X-TREEM corn nuts. I'm not kidding. It says on the packet corn gone bad and the corn guy has this really mean face on him. He's like the bad arse gangsta thug of corn stalks I guess. At least Little Debbie doesn't X-TREEM her stuff. Twinkies! I'm personally not a fan of the twinkie. If I absolutely must destroy my colon I can do it with swiss rolls, but some people can't get enough of the things. I'm sure there's a restaurantin cali that probably sells them deep fried, dipped in chocolate, or ground into a fine powder so you can inhale them off a hooker's back. Of course if you're inhaling Twinkie dust off a hooker you have a whole new set of problems. Mainly you probably spent all your money on the hooker and therefor didn't have enough for crack. Unless the hooker is your girlfriend. Do they give discounts for that? You'd think they would, but I guess it's the same as a massage therapist taking work home everyday for his or her boyfriend. They say that a Twinkie can outlast a nuclear holocaust, but I bet it would snuff out the cockroaches left to eat it. Nah, cockroaches are smarter than that. Can you imagine cockroaches up the evolutionary chain though? Especially fueled by radiation? If we can believe everything comics tell us they'll all have super cockroach powers. Yes! That is our ultimate future folks! Super cockroaches! Da da da daaah! It's SUPER COCKROACH FROM THE FUTURE!

DING! Muffins are ready! There, that should be enough to appease yon frothing masses.

From the intro theme one can already tell that this show didn't cater to the intelligent eight year old girl by our heroine Jem's repetition of insisting that Jem, Jem is her name. It does have some rather nice, fluid motion to it, but unfortunately that's the only thing this show has going for it.

The first episode speeds through the introduction in about fifteen minutes. The main character Jerrica (Yes, Jerrica, Jerrica is her name.) has just lost her father, but gained a record company, a house full of orphaned girls, a very realistic holographic woman who is suspiciously similar to Gaia from Captain Planet only not nearly as cool, and a closet full of women's clothes that's been kept in a secret lair.

I think you can see where this is going. In fact, you'll find that's true in most of the episodes.

I would give a detailed summary of the first episode, but to be honest, Byrd Man of Retrojunk.com did a way better job of it than I could already. I thought about giving the show a girl's perspective, but I found myself saying pretty much the same things he did. So instead of just rehashing an already amusing review just click the link and read his.

I can, however, give you a list of the characters you'll find in the show. If you plan to watch it then, trust me, you're going to need this.

Goodies

Jerrica Benton/Jem: This is our main protagonist. The plot pretty much revolves around her and keeping her secret identity as Jem a secret. She's supposed to be the nicest person in the world, a real Disney Cinderella type, but really, she's just a bitch. Oh sure, she runs an orphanage for young girls, and is generally nice to everyone she meets to a puke inducing degree, but when you see her with her boyfriend you really get to see who she is. You see, Jerrica has decided to not tell her boyfriend Rio that she is two people. Not really a big deal if not for the fact that she continues to act as if they're a couple while being Jem, and then getting jealous of Jem when he starts to reciprocate the feelings she's been practically throwing at him. If she and Rio have a fight, she'll become Jem and all is right with the world again. She never tells him who she really is. Not even at the end of the series. Bitch.

Rio Pacheco: That isn't to say that Rio isn't without fault. Yes, he is quite possibly the only redeemable character in the show, but he's also one dimensional. He's strong, intelligent, good hearted, and handsome. In fact, he has no flaws whatsoever, and that is a bad thing. The closest he gets to a flaw is in the Midsummer Night's Madness episode where Jerrica takes on another identity named Jamie and hits on him again. Not surprisingly he falls for her. The episode plays it off as Rio being so in love with her that he loves her no matter what she looks like. It's a bit more likely that he's got a fetish for girls who sound like Jerrica.

Kimber Benton: Kimber is Jerrica's sister, and the bitch gene runs in the family. She supposedly plays keyboard and write the music for the band, but that's not shown as prominently as her willingness to date any man that's remotely cute and even gets caught dating two at once in an episode and has no idea what's so wrong about that. She plays off as being the innocent one, sweet and adorable, with an occasional plot reserved for her just to show her getting jealous as a frantic attempt at depth.

Aja Leith: You would think with such brightly colored hair it wouldn't be so easy to confuse characters, but it is. Aja is lead guitarist, and I think she's supposed to be some sort of Asian. I can't really give you much on her. She hardly has any screen time, and thus rarely gets my attention.

Shana Elmsford: Ah, Shana. She's the drummer for the first season then moves to guitar. She's also a fashion designer and create the outfits that the band wears. This seems sort of silly since they have a hologram that projects their clothing onto them and a closet full in an underground lair, but Shana needed something to do to make her stand out. That's right, Shana is the only black character and she needed to be a clothing designer for people to notice her existence. I'm not sure if that's sad or liberating.

Carmen 'Raya' Alonso: Raya shows up in the second season to play drums. She's a shy girl and doesn't get a lot of development time beyond her intro episode. In it we learn that her father is the florist, and that even when his greenery is threatened and gobs of money is thrown at her she won't betray Jem, who she'd met for about five minutes max when the deal was given to her. Easily a very likable character, which is a problem. All of the character's are incredibly likable and thus it makes them impossible to tell apart. Raya didn't even get added to the introduction theme in season 3, and I'm not sure anyone noticed.

Synergy: Synergy, without whom the show wouldn't even be possible. She is a computer that gets nearly no screen time at all, but doesn't really need it. She was supposedly built by Jerrica's father, which would hint towards him being a super genius, but having met his offspring I'm pretty sure Synergy is really just an alien that crash landed on the planet with no memories and so he just made some up so she'd be willing to partake in his 'I'm a pretty lesbian' fetishes. Synergy does get some spotlight in Midsummer Night's Madness, but it's as a sage and wisdom sort. Nothing spectacularly illuminating.

The Baddies

Phyllis 'Pizzazz' Gabor: This woman is rich, angsty, and on permanent PMS mode. She's the lead singer and guitarist of the Misfits. A group that gets in Jem's way so much that I'm surprised there was never a restraining order put out on her. It's pretty obvious when they first enter the scene that she is an angry angry woman who needs a good deep dicking.

Roxanne 'Roxy' Pellegrini: I know nothing about Roxy other than she's just as much a horrid wench as Pizzazz.

Mary 'Stormer' Phillips: Stormer is the sweet hearted talented girl of the group. She's in the group only to make the Misfits a tad less hateable. It doesn't really work though. Stormer, while sweet, is also a total pushover, and often acts just as bitchy as her friends do.

Sheila 'Jetta' Burns:Jetta is the most racist stereotype in the show as the angry Brit rocker. I guess that's a point in their favor?

Eric Raymond: Eric is pretty obviously evil upon meeting him. His squinty eyes, devil horn styled hair, angry disposition, and infinitely padded pockets makes him instantly hateable. The slightest bit of development he gets is in The Singer and the Princess where he shows that while he's more than happy to ruin Jerrica's life and career, he doesn't actually want her dead. Good save there, Eric.

Rory "Riot" Llewelyn: Riot is the lead singer of the Stingers and apparently the most handsome man in the universe. I say apparently because it doesn't translate well on screen. I'm sure if I met the man in real li-oh right. Riot's power over women points to him either having magical powers, or he really is the most awesome man in existence in the same way that Keith Richards is. He's also completely manipulative and has real control issues. Again, probably like Keith Richards.

Phoebe "Rapture" Ashe: Rapture is a conartist, but not a very good one from what I've seen. She gets some development time in Midsummer Night's Madness and That Old Houdini Magic.

Ingrid "Minx" Krueger: Minx is pretty full of herself, but she honestly has every right to be. Until she gets to the whole 'I have real talent' part. She honestly does care about the band though, as proven in That Old Houdini Magic where she actually saves Rapture's life.

Also, there's been rumor that the creator of Jem, Christy Marx, wants to revive and modernize it. I imagine it'll be a lot like what these girls have already done. In fact, I'm taking bets on it.

No one else is the same,
Serenity Frost

Back in the days of the ol' gray disc eater the psx there was once a game called Parasite Eve. The game was about Aya a no nonsense super sexy lady cop that took ass and kicked names...wait that's not...yeah. Yeah that's right.

The game was also about Melissa a sick young woman who wanted nothing more than to sing opera.

In the intro sequence we're treated to Aya in a sexy black dress and some rather clunky controls to make her do what you want. (Lol! Just like ALL girls, amirite?) After a bit of an adjustment period we get her into the concert. Where this shit happens. Yeah. Fun.

Well of course Aya the gun toting crazy ass bitch that she is, follows that thing into the sewers. (Yes, the game does let you leave the theater, but there isn't really a 'Fuck this fucked up shit, I'm outie five thousand!' option once you're out there.)

You go down some poorly located stairs (took me five actual minutes to figure out where they were) and you get treated to this. Yeah, did I mention this game is rated M?

Well you kill them, which was quite obviously the best choice other than 'leave'. Travel some more, fight an alligator, and do more stuff, and move on to the next chapter.

That morning you go talk to your boss who in his youth was probably also a no nonsense super sexy cop that kicked ass and took names. He tells you to go get some weapons, but good luck finding where you were supposed to go to get them!
Once you manage to stumble into the place you get your gun and go. Where you get treated to another plot scene between Ben (who will need serious therapy when the game is over, you'll see why in a minute) and his dad. (Who also happens to be your partner. How convenient!) Then talk to the captain for another long cut scene before getting to go to the museum for (you guessed it!) another long cut scene. Only this time it's with SCIENCE! Actually, to be fair, this is the bit where he explains the entire situation as to why people burst into flames and you're having to fight mutated rats and things. However, his speech, to a real scientist, is pretty laughable as far as logic goes. Even someone who isn't a scientist would have to stretch their imagination a bit to buy it, but it is a game, after all. And really, most people playing Parasite Eve aren't in it for the RPG element. They just want to shoot stuff and stare at a sexy woman's behind while they do it. It's the same logic applied to tomb raider.

Anyway, you return to the precinct only to find that central park has some problems, and Ben's son is there for a concert (OH NOEZ!). Reason Ben will need therapy #1. So you go there, fight some giant worms, and Eve shows up in a chariot being drawn by a flaming horse. That's right. A carriage with a horse that on fire! You get to fight her and things end about how you'd expect it would. Eve gets away, but not without giving Aya a great flashback to the past she doesn't remember! YAY!

I'd give a description of the scene (couldn't find it on youtube), but to be honest, I have no idea what the hell was going on. Eve and Aya are related somehow? I think? Maybe? I don't know. Not that it really matters though, right? Right. Moving on.

You wake up that morning to find this guy outside your house. Apparently he fell asleep on the sidewalk waiting for you. Nope, that's not creepy. Anyway, you hit the pharmacy for some magical healing drugs and then raid a gun store. The city got evacuated after the whole people melting thing, so you can pretty much just take stuff.
After you're stocked go back to work.

Turns out, Eve attacked the place while you were out. Daniel, like the good daddy he is, left his kid there so he runs in. Maeda the dorky scientist gives you a special good luck charm...nope...still not creepy.
Run through the station, take some stuff off a bunch of dead cops. What? They're dead. It's not like they're going to want it. Screw the fact that these were Aya's colleagues and she probably knew all of their names. Run around and eventually we encounter reason #2 that Ben is going to need some serious therapy. That was a police dog at one time, and Ben was pretty fond of it.

Third day in, Meada explains more of what the hell is going on. Apparently Eve wants to make a baby. It's what all women want, right? Time to go to the hospital!

Meada gives you another super special good luck charm. You run around some more, fight some more mutated things, read some diaries that tell you pretty much what you already know, get to the top and find Eve melting a guy in a jet so the other jet will crash into it. Did I mention how much I love Eve? Yeah, after that you just go on to the next chapter.

Next you get to go to China Town! (Or a warehouse, but nothing happens there.) Run through it, fights a giant centipede, then notice that the goop of a thousand screaming souls is heading towards the museum.
Oh, and by the way, the goop is kind of a dick.

Then it's back to the museum, where you follow a dude in white, do some puzzles, and the goop does sort of the most predictable thing ever. But hey, at least now we get to fight a dinosaur! How many sexy ass kicking lady cops get to say that? Win, run to Eve's chambers and ew, oh my god, shoot it. Crazy bitch. Anyway, after that are a lot of cut scenes, conversations and eventually things get really messed up. Then moar planes! Brilliant! *sigh* Well Aya will have none of this. She gets herself a copter then blows it up. Good job there, Aya. After that disaster Eve shows up again. Yay! So Aya gets a parachute, jumps down there, and they fight. Guess who wins. Nope, it's not Aya. Just in case the screen is too blurry for you to see just how terrifying this thing is here. Not creeped out yet? This should do it.
Anyway, you get to fight that. Four forms worth of that. Then comes the obligatory sacrifice scene. Yay. And it dies, the ship explodes, and Aya survives in time for the angst session. Did I mention that Daniel doesn't die? YAY!

And we're done. It's over. Waaaait. Crap.

That's right! We're not actually done yet! Want the real ending? You get to play through ANOTHER game! This one is a dungeon crawl!



To be honest, I didn't bother. But I did want to know what happened, so I found someone who did on youtube. Ah, so that's what the hell was going on. Thanks for not telling me in the actual game Square! Also, that's kind messed up.

As you can tell I have sort of a love hate relationship with this game. On one hand it's dark a beautiful, but on the other it's so cliche it makes my brain cells pop. It's a good game, but it could have been better!

By the way, there's also a movie and a book that this game was based on. I've seen the movie (it was entertaining, but nothing ground shattering) and haven't read the book yet. Though if the book/movie ratio in Japan is the same as it is here, it's way better than the movie or the game could ever hope to be.

The carriage ride is a trap!
Serenity Frost

Warning! The game isn't safe for work and neither is this blog about it!

So what's Harvester you ask? Well in 1994 it was the goriest most pointlessly violent game on the market. I think it might still hold that title...

I turn the game on and I'm treated to this nifty title sequence. I have a feeling I'm going to be laughing a lot in this game, and that's terrible.

After grabbing stuff from my room I get to meet amnesiac main character Steve's family. His brother is pretty into blood and guts, but that's pretty normal for a kid his age. Then you find out your mom has your dad locked up in their bedroom...okay that's sort of creepy...then your baby brother eats a wasp...yeah...maybe I won't be laughing as much as I thought.

So you do a bit of running around and learning about things and generally find out that this town is friggin crazy. Everyone in it. Apparently there's this lodge called the Order of the Harvest Moon that will probably be a big fat plot point later. Then you talk to the woman who explains the wasp thing, but I still don't actually get it. I wanted to find a video of her, but I couldn't. You'll just have to live with the mystery as well. You also find out that everyone who has ever visited the sleepy town of Harvest has come to a rather gory and untimely demise. Fun!

After picking up some dirty magazines for the deputy (a gesture of good will that leads to a fun little scene of the deputy getting whacked like a bad dog with a rolled up newspaper) and learning about the sheriff's addiction to pie you logically go to the diner and talk to the rather attractive woman there. Yeah, I've been doing a lot of talking so far. I won't go into all of them as most are rather disturbing. Suffice to say after collecting things you're going to need for puzzles and discovering that everyone in this town is totally loony and wants your death. You finish filling out the lodge invite, find out you can't give your dad some meat until he fills out a slip of paper, and go to bed. Yeah, that wasn't ominous at all...

The next day you blackmail a lecherous principal, get offered a bat, use a jar of Oralube on a manhole key, and take a screwdriver to a car's paint job. All in hopes that the lodge will let you join them. Yay!

The day after the kid who belongs to the diner owner Edna gets kidnapped. So you actually go and save her. At last, something not deviant and disorderly. Up until you steal clothes from a fire station, break into a barbershop and steal a lamp, and burn down the diner. Finally! They'll let you into the lodge! What was the point of all this? I haven't a clue, but fun times were had by all! Except for Edna who kills herself and her little girl the sheriff who won't get to enjoy her pie anymore, and your little brother who got his eyes pushed out by some wasps. Oh and your girlfriend Stephanie who...ah...died of natural causes... Yeah, so you take that invite to the lodge, right? I mean. They seem like such a honest group of guys. Well apparently the invite isn't enough. You have to steal her spine for them as well...fun.

To be honest I was very tempted to not finish the game, however, my OCD required it of me. Basically you kill every blasted person in the lodge at the request of the midget/amputee valet. You also find out that your girlfriend isn't dead. It's pretty safe to assume everyone in the lodge is crazy. There was one scene where you find some triplets eating their mom's thighs...yeah...and this other guy who hacks himself in the head because he lost at chess.

You get to pick from two endings. Both of which are pretty disturbing. Okay, so that was a joke. I thought you needed something sugar sweet if you've been clicking all the links in this thing up until this point.

Bad Ending

Good Ending

Honestly I couldn't tell the difference, but the bad ending has probably the best PSA against violence in video games messing with kids minds I've ever heard.

If you wanna buy this game try Amazon, if you don't want to spend 15 bucks then watch this nifty walkthrough here.

That's bullshit, mom!
Serenity Frost