Weekly Dose of Head Trauma Extra: UltraChrist!

MMA Team | Friday, July 24, 2009 | , , | 0 comments



First off, I have to say I never realized that intentionally looking for bad movies could be such a pain in the ass. I literally spent several hours to find this (my sister was the one who insisted we watch it actually), but wow....just wow, "UltraChrist!" melted sections of my brain that somehow survived my viewing of "Jesus Christ: Vampire hunter".




The plot begins with Jesus coming back down to earth and the first 3 minutes pretty much deal with him getting clothes. Yes, you read that right. If your first thought was "what the hell?" that pretty much sums up this movie. After he finds a smoking jacket and a pipe (God, I wish I were kidding) he meets and gets drunk with an ex-marketing guy who isn't really relevant to the plot until like the last 20 minutes of the film. Anyway, this guy sends the film on a further downward spiral by recommending Jesus should mimic a superhero in order to "reach out to the youth of today".




So yes, most of the movie is focused on Jesus running around in spandex fighting sin and building very flat romantic tension with his seamstress friend, while God (understandably) wants him out of the costume and sends an archangel to get him out of it. Lurking in the background of this is the AntiChrist, who has taken the role of the most important man possible (at least according to this movie) the head of NY's park service.



(This man decides if you can use parks and the torment of your immortal soul, fear him)

So after Satan fails to kill Jesus with a PDF (yes, I know this shit is bananas, just run with it) he summons the most evil people he can think of to be his personal Legion of Doom, if you'll allow the incredibly geeky analogy; Hitler (well, a rather portly one who likes bestiality), Vlad Ill Tepes a.k.a Vlad the Impaler done up Drac style, Richard Nixon (basically a dude in a Nixon mask with a recorder taped to the side of his mask), and the lead singer of The Doors for some reason.



The rest of the plot is mind meltingly bizarre, and it ends with a cage fight between the archangel sent down to take Jesus' spandex horror suit and a dude in a Richard Nixon mask. This is followed by a bad musical number about how Jesus approves of sex, which somehow converts most of the world's youth to christianity. The only good thing about the end is watching a "terrorist" toss a bomb into the trash because he decided he was through with terrorism.



Overall the movie looks like it was done by three guys and their friends one booze-soaked weekend. The movie just feels either like a cheap class project, only the content is something you'd never want seen publicly, or, given how many things are explicitly about sex, a bad soft core porn. I honestly can say this is a brain stabbingly bad movie and if you feel like torturing yourself for an hour and a half, have fun with it. I just needed to share this little horror and purge myself of what it's done to my brain. Now, I just need to stop the blood leaking out of my ears...



Forsees no Spandex related panic in the near future,

Jenna Darknight


(The pictures are used for non-profit purposes. Ultrachrist belongs to Kerry Douglas Dye and the others involved in the project. ...who are nice people and don't want to sue me.)

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