Weekly Dose of Head Trauma: Cutthroat Island



Let's be honest here, pirate movies have never been great. When good, they're entertaining romps with roguishly charming characters. When they're bad, they're either stupid or bordering unwatchable. Why do I bring this up? Well, today we're going to discuss a little film called Cutthroat Island.


Let's start off by saying that this movie tanked worse than Waterworld at the box office. Think about that. This movie sank lower than a movie that was so bad, it staked Kevin Costner's career in the heart and tossed it off the rim of the Grand Canyon. To be fair it's not an AWFUL movie. There are far worse out there, believe me, and this is an entertaining sort of bad. Is it frustrating? Yes. Do the characters make you want to keelhaul them? Also, yes. But, I'm hard pressed to say that I don't enjoy this movie in an incredibly ironic sort of way.




That out of the way, let's pick on the first thing I generally will make fun of in any movie: the actors. Why? Because I'm petty. Cutthroat Island is a Geena Davis vehicle and, despite how badly this movie handles her character at points, I don't blame her too much. I prefer to blame her agents because she's pretty good when given a decent script...problem is that doesn't happen often. We're talking about the woman who went from A League of Their Own (probably one of my all-time favorite movies) to Earth Girls are Easy.


The other 'protagonist' (I use that term in the loosest possible sense) is played by Matthew Modine. Don't know him? If it makes you feel better, I didn't either until I IMDB'd him and found out he'd been Private Joker in Full Metal Jacket. That's the ONLY thing I recognized on his page. If that raised your hopes, I'm sorry because he is the most obnoxious character I've encountered in recent memory.


If this seems like I'm stalling, it's only because I am. *sigh* Well, let's get this started.


The opening credits of the film throws an old timey map up and moving period nautical paraphenelia that makes me both think of Indiana Jones and Muppet Treasure Island. Be prepared for this trend folks, because this movie will continually remind you of better movies that you'd rather be watching. We then cut to a very low shot of a floor that does not look like something that would be in the Caribbean and we get this handy little subtitle informing us that we're in "Jamaica, the Caribbean".


Oh, thank you movie for informing us that we're on that Jamaica that's the in the Caribbean instead of the other one that DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST. Seriously movie, you just started and you're already patronizing me. The movie then breaks me out of a rant in record time by starting in on the most awkward scene possible. It does this by doing a pan up a woman getting dressed. That's not what makes this scene break my concentration though. What does is the extremely ugly dude crooning at Geena Davis in a really crappy Italian(?) accent. Luckily he stops this soon enough by reaching down under the sheets and...pulls out a gun (if your brain took you to a really dark place before I finished that sentence, you're welcome. Mine did that to me while watching this.)


This man (?) will haunt my nightmares.


Apparently Geena Davis is a wanted pirate, but before Ugly McLonghair can do anything else, Davis informs him that she knew he was just screwing her so he could bring her in and then gleefully proclaims that she "took his balls" as her monkey hands her his two pistol shot balls (just, don't get me started on how she snagged two shot balls when a flintlock pistol can only fire one at a time, we'll never get anywhere if I point out every inconsistency that drove me up the wall in this movie) Get used to the crotch stuff folks, it'll be present the entire movie.


Somebody loudly shouts "MORGOOOOON" in an honest to god Caribbean accent. We then cut to our pirates...riding horses. With a bright orange sunset behind them. Um...maybe I'm missing something, but I thought this was a pirate film, not a Western. While Morgan (Geena Davis), some...short guy whose basically the writer from Unforgiven and the black guy that was shouting earlier are riding along playing western, we get some exposition about some guy named Dog (Spelled Dawg for some stupid reason) who has Morgan's Dad and they need to go rescue him, blah, blah, blah...hey movie, if you're going to keep pretending to be a western, can I go watch The Magnificent Seven now?


Okay after the exposition is done, Morgan rides up to some dude sitting by a longboat minding his own business and TACKLES THE FUCK OUT OF HIM! He didn't even do anything! Then she HIGH KICKS HIS FACE and leaves him face down in the surf, presumably to drown. I know she's a pirate and all that, but the guy could have been fishing or something for all she knew.


So, after watching Geena Davis kill a dude and steal his boat, we get our first view of the villainous pirate Dawg (as opposed to those...other pirates who are not villains, but still kill, lie, wench and steal) who's trying to get a map location from Morgan's Dad. Morgan's Dad basically tells Dawg to eat a dick, then promptly drops overboard with an anchor tied around his legs. Morgan, having pulled her purloined longboat alongside The Reaper (Dawg's ship) grabs her dad and somehow manages to keep a dude who has an anchor around his fucking legs above water. While Morgan and her dad snipe at each other, Dawg's pirates (who apparently trained at the stormtroopers marksmanship academy) shoot at them. They do manage to hit the dying old guy who has an anchor around his legs, but that's not saying much. Morgan then dives after her dad and cuts the rope around his ankles before swimming off with him.


After some bad dialog with Morgan and dear old dying dad, we cut to a party that looks like it's taking place

in Versailles, based on the location and costuming, but later turns out to be Port Royal (These people clearly either half-assed or didn't care about historical accuracy). Two snooty British blokes are sitting in a corner being British and snooty about women when Shaw (Modine in all his most obnoxious glory) swoops in and gropes the woman they're making fun of. Ignoring the fact that Shaw's basically crossed the line and jumped over the cliff in regards to things considered inappropriate in the 17th century, this scene is just...well, it's pointless. We later find out (after one of the snooty British guys establishes Shaw's not who he says he is) that he robbed just about every woman at the party, but this whole scene serves no purpose beyond crowbarring Shaw into the story.


We then cut to the Morning Star, Morgan's Dad's ship. Morgan and the short fat writer are getting hammered while Shorty McWuss the Wordsmith tries to talk her out of taking command of the ship. On deck a rather articulate pirate is making a case for being captain when Morgan finally decides to get her drunk ass out of the scuppers and be productive. She pulls out of her pocket her dad's SCALP. Eww...that's just creepy and wrong on so many levels. After disgusting me, Morgan proceeds to say that this is a map to Cutthroat Island, which is basically the nirvana of pirates, and the crew basically jumps on board with that. However, the problem is the map is in LATIN which no one can read. Makes me wonder how they know it's LATIN if that's the case, but whatever, there are bigger problems in this movie.


On top of the LATIN problem, this is only one of three pieces of the map. One is in the hands of Morgan's uncle Mordecai, but the other piece belongs to Dawg. The pirates are all "fuck that noise" but then this burly pirate with a bitchin' face tattoo tells them to stoping being whiny bitches because if Morgan can hook them up with Mordecai they should be able to manage. Morgan thanks him and then shoves her cutlass into the mast and we cut to Port Royal again.


The face of a man you do not mess with.

We see one of the Pirates, Morgan and the Black Dude all dressed up in finery rather than their pirate duds as they talk about how there's only one person who speaks LATIN and he's about to be auctioned off as a slave. Okay, a couple of questions here, how can this guy be the only one who speaks LATIN in the whole of Port Royal when there's a heavy Spanish influence on the entire Caribbean and HOW the blue blazes do they know this one slave speaks it? Does he just brag about his kick ass LATIN speaking skills to everyone? I mean there's suspension of disbelief and then there's being so god damned convenient it doesn't make sense. On top of that, instead of trying to get a whole hold of a slave who speaks LATIN, why not kidnap a priest? It's cheaper and, again, given the heavy Franco-Spanish influence on the Caribbean, surely there's a number of jesuits and priests floating around for you to Shanghai.


Anyway the LATIN speaking slave is, of course, Shaw, who when asked about whether or not he speaks LATIN will NOT. SHUT. UP. Christ, this guy's been in two scenes and I already want to disembowel him. Anyway Morgan tells him to shut up and "say something Latin-ish". Really movie? LATIN-ish? You're really going to use that? *sigh* Alright, let's keep moving.


Anyway, Shaw goes up for auction so Snooty British guy and Morgan get in a pissing contest over which one will get Shaw. Morgan eventually wins by STABBING THE GUY IN THE ASS. What the hell movie? That was unnecessary. So Morgan goes to pay for Shaw, except a couple of the Redcoats on duty spot her mug on a wanted poster. They're quick to pick her out, but to be fair it's a really damn good drawing and even without that there are three things to look for when trying to find a pirate:


1.) A rudimentary prosthetic like a hook, eyepatch or peg leg

2.) A parrot

3.) MONKEY (which Morgan never goes without)


So basically a chase ensues. Black dude and random pirate go back to the ship while Morgan kicks a guy in the nards so hard his testicles probably shot out his ears afterwards and then picks up a shovel and nails two more redcoats in the joy department. (see what I told you about the groin thing this movie has going?) She then drags Shaw off to have the obligatory action movie chase scene.


I won't do a blow by blow of the chase because, well, it's pretty standard Hollywood fare and actually kind of fun. I will point out three specific stupid moments in the chase though.


1.) Morgan and Shaw hijack a carriage and use it for the chase. Several guards drop on it and Morgan (who's driving it) hands Shaw the reigns and fights the dudes while Shaw gives running commentary. Shaw, if you're not man enough to help out in the fight, shut your trap and drive please.


2.) Morgan have to jump into a building because an archway is too low. In theory, this is cool. In actuality it just means Morgan's apparently the fucking Flash because she's just walking through the comically placed obstacles yet she can catch up to a SPEEDING CARRIAGE. That doesn't even begin to make sense.


3.) The ship of the line gets word that the famous Morgan Adams is in port. Their reaction? FIRING THEIR TWELVE POUNDERS INTO THE CITY. What. The. Hell. Are you stupid? Firing cannons into a densely populated city is the worst idea ever. I would love to read this guy's report: "Was alerted there was a pirate. Unloaded twelve pounders into the city. In retrospect, may have overreacted a touch."


Pictured: Overreacting.


Now we get to something that had me frothing at the mouth a little. After our intrepid 'heroes' laugh off the collateral damage of their escape, Shaw reads the LATIN on the map, which is apparently a collection of psalms. This stumps them for 30 whole minutes of the movie. Christ, Morgan, they're CO-ORDINATES! You're supposed to be one of the best pirates out there and you can't tell coded co-ordinates when you see them?! You are just MADE of fail.


Anyway, Shorty McWuss the writer gets bludgeoned by the Governor into spilling everything. This'll become relevant latter. Sort of. Now we cut to Spittlefield Harbor, where Mordecai be chillin'. It's your run of the mill

pirate town and you can tell Tortuga of Pirates of the Caribbean took inspiration from it (which, again, reminds me of a movie I'd rather be watching). Instead of doing the rational thing and going to talk to the dude with her business proposition, Morgan opts to go the stupid route and poses as a prostitute to get in and see him. Mordecai's guards 'pat her down for weapons', which means we get a shot of a grungy pirate dude groping Geena Davis' boobs. She stops him before he gets too far down by saying "that costs extra". Truly a skilled bluffer, our heroine.


Anyway, she gets in to talk to Mordecai, pulls a gun on him and they exposit for a bit. Eventually she talks Mordecai into helping her. As they walk out, Morgan gets chained around the neck and loses her gun in time for Dawg to come in and chew the scenery. Eventually he decides to threaten her and waves a hilariously bad animatronic eel in her face for a bit.



Shaw decides to break up the situation by uncorking a barrel some black powder that just happened to be sitting on the bar and setting it off. The place descends into a fight as things in Pirate bars are won't to do. Of course, through it all, Shaw will not shut up. Also, Modechai gets a knife through the gut courtesy of Dawg and Morgan gets shot in the side.



Then they run outside (Morgan stopping to show Shaw up in manliness by knifing a guy), and get surrounded. However McBitching Face Tattoo shows up with an anachronistic grenade launcher to turn the tide. In the middle of this, along with ignoring Morgan's sucking stomach wound, Morgan figures out the Psalms are co-ordinates. Took you long enough, Jesus Christ in a handbasket.


They get back to the Morning Star which Shaw comments "nice ship". Really, that's all you got? *sigh* then we cut back to The Reaper, where Dawg insists they leave, cutting the anchor, their only means of

stopping, loose. His Quartermaster points out they don't have enough supplies, to which Dawg eloquently responds by shooting the guy in the chest. Hey, the guy was just doing his job, ease up there Dawg.


After Morgan gives the co-ordinates to her men, the crew and the writer remember that Morgan has a sucking stomach wound. They're just going to cauterize it with a hot poker before Shaw intervenes with the idea of actual medical procedure. He does quite well, aside from not sanitizing his hands, and then for some reason, after taking the bullet out of her side, Morgan and Shaw make out. Um, riiight. Hey, if you guys find surgery and stomach injuries sexy, who am I to judge?


Dawg chases the Morning Star into a storm during which Shorty McWuss complains and Shaw attempts to find out the location of Cutthroat Island. Morgan, catches him in the act, finds out he hid the other map piece under the "seaty thing" (Jesus, do I need to say it at this point?) of the longboat and has Shaw hauled off to the brig. Also, we have a major plot hole in the form of Shaw not being a doctor. Either he's really damn good at faking knowledge of medical procedure or he's bullshitting again. I'll go with the latter, if only because it doesn't hurt my brain.


So the Morning Star deals with the obligatory nautical movie story. During said storm, a wave hits the prow and BLOWS THE STERN WINDOWS INWARD. So now we've just started breaking the laws of physics now, have we movie? I know I shouldn't care but cripes WAVES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY.


Of course, realizing their captain has basically dragged them into a suicide mission, the crew mutinies. They dump her and her loyal crew members on a longboat in the middle of the story in a scene that comes almost directly out of Mutiny on The Bounty. Shaw somehow gets loose from his shackles, despite the fact that they were old clunky ones that are hard to pick the locks on and he was too much of an idiot to keep his feet on the ground while chained up.


The unwashed face of reason is at the front there.


Well, the longboat capsizes and they wash up on Cutthroat Island by happy coincidence. After wandering through the jungle and grabbing an iguana for dinner, they spot the Reaper and Morning Star now both controlled by Dawg. They wait until night and then Shaw cut the remaining map piece from around Dawg's neck. Why they don't just slit his throat and be done with it, I'll never know. Also, why does Dawg have a hut and his men are sleeping on the ground? Does he just terrify his men enough that they spent all day building him a hut lest they face his wrath?


Morgan and the crew find Shaw stuck in a pile of leaves that's supposed to be quick sand. Shaw tries to fast talk his way out of the situation, but Morgan will have none of it. He gives her the map piece and for one, brief, blessed moment, you think Morgan's going to leave him to get pulled under, but no, he gets rescued.


Morgan and crew follow the map until they get to a cliff. Morgan and Shaw repel down to a cave and Morgan makes a torch with dry cloth and bone. They then find the saddest pirate hoard in existence. Morgan leaves Shaw, the con artist, with the gold and goes back up to look for her crew, who have vanished. Morgan gets her stupid ass caught and dragged back to the cliff. Shaw bluffs about the gold and gets Morgan thrown off the cliff. She catches the rope and she and Shaw jump off it into the water below.



Truly, these spray-painted props are worth a king's ransom.


Shorty McWuss finds Shaw on the shore and Morgan is nowhere in sight. Shorty manages to BLUFF shaw the CON ARTIST into coming into a redcoat encampment. Dawg and the snooty British Governor are

having tea (because it is always tea time when you are British and evil). They also have allied themselves, though Dawg smartly intends to shank the governor after he's stopped being useful. He even mocks the poncy fop, saying he'll need a certain 'style' when he's governor of Jamaica. I've got to say, I'm starting to like Dawg.


As they prepare to make way and raise Anchor we learn Morgan has been hanging onto the anchor for God knows how long.


She goes and frees the crew, who take down the comically ineffective crew and redcoat guard in all of two seconds. They then go through a preparation montage (including the monkey loading shot into a pistol). The governor thinks it's minorly odd the Morning Star is following them, but Dawg is genre savvy enough to know something is up, and preps his men.



Worst. Midboss. Ever.

They decide to hang Shaw and go about it in the longest way possible, giving Morgan enough time to make a precision shot with a fucking MUSKET. They then engage in ship to ship combat during which the cannons make a lot of smoke and no damage. Eventually they actually start engaging each other with guns and cutlasses. Shaw spends the entirety of the fight being completely fucking useless. In fact, as a friend pointed out, he'd be more useful at this point if he fell on someone and knocked them overboard.


This picture is deceptively full of action.


Morgan goes below to deal with Dawg and Shaw goes down below to attempt to cut the treasure loose. I say attempt because there's a chain on it as well as rope. Morgan lights some black powder to scuttle the ship and Shaw gets trapped by debris from the battle in a section of the hull slowly flood. Dawg finally stalks in and he and Morgan engage in combat. They then stop and climb some rigging (while the crew watches) before engaging in combat again. Morgan groin shots Dawg, who then starts pwning her. He then makes a "join me" speech, pushes Morgan off the mast and poses to show off his awesomeness. Morgan lands, relatively unharmed, in the cargo hold. Shaw hasn't, to my disappointment, drowned. Dawg comes down to taunt Morgan some more. Morgan then uses the most conveniently placed canon in history, which happens to be fully loaded, to shoot Dawg out of the ship with the line "Bad Dawg". Truly this is the most absurd moment in a movie of absurd moments.


Morgan saves Shaw (whyyyy), they escape without the treasure, and swan dive off the ship at the most dramatic moment. Shaw bemoans the fact that he's poorer. Never mind that Shaw is a SLAVE and worth nothing, so has no room to complain. Anyway, Morgan actually is competent and manages to save some treasure. Her men could retire on this, but no, they take Morgan up on her offer to continue to pillage and plunder despite the scurvy, harsh discipline and possibility of hangings. The movie ends with Morgan telling Shaw she'll see him in her cabin, the monkey cringing from this horribly pick up line, and the crew setting sail.



So there you have it. Ultimately, it's a pretty harmless little flick that is quite fun IF you shut your brain off. Is it as bad as Waterworld? Hell no, but it is certainly bad. But it's an entertaining sort of bad...if you can get past Modine's inability to shut up.



Really needs to maintain a schedule better,

Jenna Darknight



All pictures here belong to their respective owners and are only used for the purposes of review.

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