The Good, The Bad and the Ugly of Asian Martial Arts Films



There have come various points in my life where I think nothing media related can find away to hurt me because the stuff I've watched has killed little parts of me in the most excruciating ways possible. I mean, I've sat through Manos the Hands of Fate (MSTK 3000 once touched on this gem, I believe), Troll 2, Halloween 3 and all four Leprechaun movies for Christ's sake. Unfortunately, whenever that thought crosses my mind something from across the Pacific decides to flying kick its way into my brain and injure me in an entirely new fashion.

This leads me into the three films I'm going to talk about today: Yo-Yo Girl Cop, Tokyo Gore Police and Silver Hawk. Silver Hawk straddles the line of things I probably shouldn't talk about on MMA because it's self-aware enough to considerably mitigate the retardedness factor, so it's mostly up here for comparison with the other two. Yo-Yo Girl Cop received a review earlier on my own blog, but I felt the need to bring it up again, because it shares a lot of the same problems as Tokyo Gore Police.

So let's get to the summaries of the film plots and the reasons why they injure me. I'll start with Yo-Yo Girl Cop, since it's already received a full review elsewhere.


Yo-Yo Girl Cop is a film about a girl whose mother was a former special agent in a unit that only uses combat yo-yos (I'm not making that up, I swear). She gets called in to investigate a series of suicides following methods posted on this website called the Enola Gay, run by some bitchy chick at this high school (who also fights with yo-yos for no adequately explained reason) and some guy who is either posing as the school janitor or is the school janitor. I'm not really sure because things get convoluted as hell and there really isn't a whole lot of cohesion as far as plot goes. Basically nothing happens until the last 20-30 minutes of the movie, where there's a yo-yo fight between Bitchy Girl (who has a name, but I'll be damned if I remember it) and the protagonist and a "showdown" between the protagonist and the janitor. I say "showdown" with ironic quotes because all he does is show her he's got a bomb strapped to him and rants. I really had stopped caring and paying attention at that point, so the guy could have been explaining a possible theory that would link gravity, electro-magnetism and nuclear weak/strong forces together for all I know.

The main problem with Yo-Yo Girl Cop is the lack of ANYTHING going on for a good part of the movie. The first ten minutes brings up some rather intriguing questions. Why is this chick tied up with a bomb on her? Is it a suicide? Is she some convoluted murder victim? Someone using her as "an example"? Why is she carrying a yo-yo? The movie only answers the last question and the answer is incurably retarded. It's mostly a bunch of dramatic, yet pointless and horribly boring, dialog and characters doing mundane things until the last half hour. Making a majority of your movie a sufferance means that when you get to the stuff we rented the movie for (the hot, hot violence in the form of yo-yo kung fu) we no longer care.

This lack of interesting shit going on is sort of the same problem Tokyo Gore Police has. The latter's a bit better because it feels like the writers didn't forget that they were making an Asian Grindhouse film and kept throwing mildly interesting stuff into the morass of boring "exposition" at random. The whole movie seems to be built around the question of "What the Hell?" though, so the mildly interesting stuff ranges from "Am I looking at what I think I'm looking at?" to "Holy shit, I think this movie just gave me an aneurysm."

To understand what I mean with that last bit, let me give you a play-by-play of the first ten minutes of the movie. We open up with a bunch of Japanese cops wearing what looks like what happens when someone decided to run through the costuming department for Ran while in SWAT gear. There's also this mopey chick sitting in a cop car and looking at a box cutter. Then we cut to an open area in the half-finished building all the cops have been looking at, where some hobo is hunched over a makeshift table.

We cut back to the cops looking worried/constipated and mopey girl glaring at her box cutter. Then, out of nowhere, this voiceover starts and I swear the chick doing it is on some combination of sugar, caffeine and crack because she is the peppiest human who has ever lived. She basically starts reading the dossier of this cannibalistic serial killer, who apparently was the hobo we saw earlier. The shot cuts up there with the voice over still going on and we see the guy is grungier up close. Oh, he's also eating chunks of a blatantly rubber woman whose coated in Kensington Gore except for one boob and...well, her hoo-ha, to put it rather juvenilely, but hey, I'm not above being juvenile when required. Like when movies just make blood dribble out my ears and nose.

We then cut back to the cops and the camera stops on mopey girl as super-happy-voice-over-chick finishes up the dossier and gives some orders. We then cut to what looks like the room of a tween girl who likes police themed décor, and a short, attractive Japanese woman with bleached blonde hair dressed in a sequined costume police uniform. Apparently she was the one doing the voiceover because she points and the screen and says in the same voice she just finished delivering this guy's criminal record in, "Okay, boys. Go get em!"

Ladies and Gentlemen, the perkiest woman ever.

On cue the cops rushing in and mopey girl starts cutting on a Kensington-Gore-filled, flesh-colored plastic balloon that's supposed to be her wrists. The cops rush in and hobo picks up a chainsaw, sending appendages and gore everywhere. Finally one cop gets it together and shoots the guy's hand off. Now this is where everything goes nuts, because the guy screams and he GROWS A CHAINSAW HAND before ripping the cops a new one.


He rampages around, yelling and generally chomping on the scenery until Mopey Girl, apparently bored of cutting on herself, shows up with a katana. They have a cheap wire-fu fight for a few minutes before Mopey Girl gets bored and CUTS HIM IN HALF, which turns him into a blood fountain.

That, ladies and gents, is the first TEN MINUTES of this thing. "What the Hell?" doesn't even cover my reaction to this. The friend I was watching this flick with and I had to pause the move because we were shouting variations on "WHAT?" over the dialogue. A lot of the WTF factor gets cleared out of the way off the bat....sort of. By which I mean that they clear up some stuff to make room for more insanity. The whole "growing weapon appendages" thing is unique to a group of criminals who call themselves Engineers. They get this power from....key shaped tumors (I wish I could make this shit up) somewhere in their body and the only way to stop them is to cut off where ever this tumor is. Hence the hack-and-slash happy mopey girl, who is the member of the now privatized Tokyo PD (who all wear the armor mishmash as a uniform. Except for Mopey Girl, but she's important, so she gets to avoid being dressed like an escapee from the set of the new post-apocalyptic Yojimbo) and apparently is the one who specifically hunts these guys. Also, she's our designated protagonist for the film, so get used to a lot of long mopey stares off into the distance and morosely flat dialogue deliveries.

As for random voiceover girl? She's the police dispatch. Basically the PD is batshit nutso and their intro is all sorts of awesome. The Police Chief is this jovial badass who adopted Mopey Girl and has a "dog" (and later when his character goes to shit, sex slave) in the form of a quadruple amputee girl who later gets Katanas for limbs. The other notable member aside from the dispatch is the coroner, who has a wicked dissection tool for a hand and is lovably eccentric. Basically this messed up force is our heroine's adopted family after her dad's head was shot open in a fashion that makes an exploding melon look conservative. Unfortunately, after their awesome opening bits they suffer some massive character derailment which leaves them all as irredeemable assholes, but I'll get to that later.

Another character worth mentioning is Mopey Girl's "normal" friend who runs a bar. She's sort of inconsequential until the last quarter of the movie, but she's probably the only actor in the flick trying to play a genuine human character. She does get awesome though, which is the one thing about this movie that is leagues ahead of Yo-Yo Girl Cop; every "relevant" character gets some form of Crowning Moment of Awesome. However, as the plot is irredeemably stupid, these moments of awesome do little to save the movie from ultimately being shit.

The long and short of the plot is that Mopey Girl is put on the tail of the guy who they think has been giving the Engineers tumors (and yes it makes about as much sense as you'd expect). After a lot of tangental crap that's irrelevant and/or weird (like a legless chick with a tooth-filled crotch and a dude with a giant shlong gun, but I like to pretend those things didn't happen), Mopey Chick gets a tumor herself and tracks the guy down. Given that in the scene where he gave her the tumor, he rips off the top of his head and ends up having a PVC pipe eyes attached to his head, that can't have been that hard, even if it takes fifteen damn minutes of movie time. Pipe-Face's story is as nonsensical as you'd expect. He was a medical genius studying the genes of serial killers when his poor farther was conned by Mopey Girl's adopted father into shooting her real father and was then killed himself. In grief, Pipe-Face jammed a syringe full of all those serial killer genes into his arm and....somehow this let him meet the devil, who is both A.) a midget and B.) the one who gave him the key tumors in the first place. Given how irritated Satan the Midget is, he probably gave the dude the tumors just to get him off his lawn.

Our villain, Ladies and Gentlemen

After Mopey Girl hears all this nonsensical crap she does the logical thing: slashes his head in half and leaves. however, all the stuff about her adopted dad being a dick is true, as the once insane-but-lovable Tokyo PD falls completely off the tracks of awesome and crashes head first into Pricksville. They run around killing, torturing and mauling everything. Even the awesome normal chick dies, but not before killing three of the officers. Mopey Girl runs up in time to see the awesome normal chick die and somehow her hand mutates into a mouth, despite the fact that we never see an Engineer get their wacky mutated limb until they lose their conventional one, which she didn't. I know I shouldn't question the logic of a movie that has a plot built around magical satanic key tumors that give people chainsaw hands, but a little consistency would be nice.

Anyway, Mopey Girl gets a scope eye to go with her toothy hand and stomps off to the PD HQ where crazy coroner awaits her with the goofiest weapon ever, the hand gun. It's a gun that shoots hands. I'm not kidding. It's so ridiculous that it's actually kind of awesome. He's choked by one of his own hands and Mopey Girl continues her march towards the final battle.

Hand Gun: Best weapon ever or BEST weapon ever?

There she fights Quadruple Amputee Girl and, after a brief fight, Mopey Girl breaks all four of her katanas and dukes it out with her adopted father. After cutting his legs off and seemingly ending the fight, he injects himself with something and his legs become....blood jets. I can't believe I just typed that, but that is exactly what happens. He frigging flies around the room using the blood that shoots out of his legs. Anyway, she kicks his butt and the last shot we see is of Mopey Girl in all her goofiness and quadruple amputee girl with her katana limbs replaced with machine guns.

This movie is definitely as bad as Yo-Yo Girl Cop, but at least it's interesting. Interesting in a "Hey, did I just see a bear in a clown suit ride by on an ATV?" sort of way, but that's not enough to ultimately save the film. It's definitely more worth a look than Yo-Yo Girl Cop at least, but really, that's not saying much...

Unlike Yo-Yo Girl Cop and Tokyo Gore Police, Silver Hawk is good. It's very aware of what it is, a goofy Kung Fu film, and revels in it. Much like Zebraman, it embraces the clichés of its genre, but instead of becoming a very good satire on fan culture and the internet at large, Silver Hawk just wants you to come along for the ride.


Before I get into the plot of Silver Hawk, I have to point out that this is a Michelle Yeoh film. I'm a rather big fan of hers because she always seems to enjoy what she's doing. Even if the film is terrible, she will be awesome. In this case, however, she takes the film from being a pretty decent self-aware Kung Fu film to being a really good self-aware Kung Fu film, simply because she seems to enjoy the silliness of the movie as much as the audience.

The plot is...well, as ridiculous as the other plots of the movies in this review. Michelle Yeoh plays basically the female version of Batman: a wealthy business tycoon who likes to beat up bad guys in her spare time. However, unlike the broody Batman, Silver Hawk does superheroing just because. We're never given any motivation for why she does it, but given how much she grins like an idiot when breaking mook bones, I think she just does it because...well....why the hell not?


The first scene pretty much sums up what this movie is about: cool vehicles, explosions and Kung Fu. Some thugs have stolen some Panda cubs and Silver Hawk has come after them on her sweet motorcycle, which I shall henceforth call the Hawkcycle. A quick chase ensues, Silver Hawk shoots at them with her motorcycle missiles and then proceeds to jump onto the trailer. Kung Fu and righteous ass-kickings follow, culminating in Silver Hawk rescuing the panda cubs and calling it a day.

From there we jump to Silver Hawk (known as Lulu in civilian mode) on a plane. She sits next to a guy who recognizes her from magazine covers. She recognizes him too, and we get a flashback about how they trained at a martial arts academy as kids. Funnily enough, the dude doesn't recognize her name, immediately leading me to dub him Idiot Love Interest for the duration of the film. He brags to her about how he's being brought in to catch Silver Hawk, to which Lulu responds by smiling indulgently like he's a five year-old telling her he's going to be an astronaut, and asks for her number. She mucks around with his phone so she can track him, and tells him he gets a date with her if he can remember her.

Cut to Lulu's swank pad where she's cheerily telling her female Alfred about the bust we saw at the beginning. Cue comic relief relative who brings a professor with her as a blind date for Lulu. Things get awkward until Lulu gets word of a robbery and quickly weasels her way out of the date as fast as humanly possible. Another series of awesome Kung Fu fights follows, until Silver Hawk stops a mugging, only to find out it's a sting and Idiot Love Interest was cross-dressing as the victim so he could fight her. Silver Hawk basically makes him a laughing stock to his underlings and takes off on the Hawkcycle. She makes it back to her place and finds out that the professor has finally figured out that there will be no date and has left. However he stuck one of his poor grad students to wait around and let Lulu know he'd like her to come to his presentation tomorrow. The dumb shmuck of a grad student slinks off after this, clearly hoping that he'll get some sort of benefit out of doing something that could have been handled better through a voicemail.

The student shows up the next day to basically make sure Lulu goes to the damn exhibition. On the way to the presentation, poor dumb grad student (Kit) reveals he's a Silver Hawk fanboy, which Lulu is amused at. Idiot Love Interest interrupts Kit's gushings about Silver Hawk to let her know he does remember her. The presentation happens and we get the movie linchpin: an A.I. chip that's supposed to make recommendations on how to make your life better based on it's interactions with you. Professor is promptly kidnapped after the reveal of the MacGuffin by a black dude with bling brass knuckes and a raver chick whose hair will change color between appearances.

All Henchmen should be this ridiculous

Chase/fight scenes follow and after a bit, Silver Hawk lets them go in order to save someone, but not before the black dude snaps a picture of her to send to his boss. Idiot Love Interest is off being non-productive in a way that leads him to cross paths with Silver Hawk again and the professor is dragged to meet the villain of the film, Alexander Wolfe, who wants the professor to make the chips work like mind control devices. The professor whines a bit before caving after Wolfe fixes him with an irritated glare.

Basically the next 20 minutes is Lulu actually doing detective work while idiot love interest is working damn hard at being a giant millstone around her neck. Every once in a while we'll cut back to Wolfe chewing scenery and basically being every Bond villain ever. Oh, and at one point Lulu rescues her uncle (whose some bigwig CEO for a phone company) and the black dude takes another picture of her, leading Wolfe to figure out who she is.

CEO is later duped into being whisked off by Wolfe, and all Lulu can do is snap a pic of him. Deciding to hit up the only semi-competent person she knows, she sends the picture to Kit as Silver Hawk, knowing her fanboy will immediately jump at the chance to help her out. Idiot Love Interest has started being less of an idiot at this point and is starting to figure out that Lulu and Silver Hawk are one in the same. He pops over to talk to her about it, only to find her getting ready to head out to a secret meeting with Wolfe. He ends up doing one of two sort of useful things he will do this movie, and puts a tracking device on her.

We then cut to possibly one of the most ridiculous fight scenes I've ever seen in my life: Michelle Yeoh versus bungee ninjas. She proceeds to kick the shit out of them until Wolfe gets bored and injures her with his weaponized prosthetic arm. Down, but not out, Silver Hawk knocks one of the bungee ninjas off his set up and uses his bungee chord to scale up the wall and out of the building.

Despite being injured, she manages to make it back to her apartment before passing out from the pain. Idiot Love Interest has still been tracking her and basically breaks in to question her about the whole Silver Hawk thing. Seeing she's pretty much unavailable for questioning at the moment, he starts to take care of the wound, but Kit busts in and, after a moment of shock, starts gushing about meeting his idol. Idiot Love Interest drags Kit out and starts pumping him for information, leading the two of them to put together what Wolfe's plan is.

Silver Hawk is cleaning her own wound when she recalls a Kung Fu lesson and gets an idea of how to beat Wolfe. The next day, Kit and Idiot Love Interest have a plan, they just don't know where Wolfe's hideout is. As they contemplate this very large, very obvious hole in their plan, they get an e-mail with an address from Silver Hawk, whose already speeding to the scene. There we get the second most ridiculous fight of the movie: Michelle Yeoh vs. Hockey Thugs.

It's epically silly, made worse by the SWAT team, Kit and Idiot Love Interest busting in and joining in the fight against the hockey thugs. Also, Raver Chick and the black dude show up and fight Silver Hawk until she drops Raver Chick. Idiot Love Interest decides this would be a brilliant time to charge the black dude, but Silver Hawk stops him and lets the black dude pick up Raver Chick and leave. Silver Hawk then stomps down to have an epic showdown with Wolfe. Cue another Kung Fu fight interspersed with Idiot Love Interest, Kit and the professor trying to stop the mind control signal from going out. Unfortunately, they can't because they need Wolfe's retinal scan.

Silver Hawk kicks Wolfe's ass and drags him over to the main control panel. Wolfe childishly keeps his eyes shut for a good minute before Kit tricks him into opening his eyes. The scan stops the brainwashing whatchamawhosit that was Wolfe's plan, but it sets the self-destruct off. Everyone escapes, except Wolfe who is crushed to death. Cut to a bit later, where Idiot Love Interest and Lulu are having dinner and talking about everything that just happened. Lulu asks him if he'd arrest her as Silver Hawk, but he's called away before he can answer. As Idiot Love Interest rushes to the scene, he's passed up by the Hawkcycle and the two exchange banter as the movie ends.


Silver Hawk epitomizes everything good about a silly martial arts flick. It's fun, fast-paced and well shot. The characters are a little silly and the plot's goofy as Hell, but that works in its favor rather than to its detriment, and honestly you can tell that the actors were having a blast shooting it. From Idiot Love Interest's goofy mugging, to Wolfe's gleeful scenery chomping, it's a really entertaining watch.

Unfortunately films like Yo-Yo Girl Cop and Tokyo Gore Police are more common imports, but hopefully this article has semi-educated you in what to look for in a Kung Fu film. If not, well, at least you know two films to avoid unless you like being bored and/or confused as hell.

Is very aware that this article is huge,

Jenna Darknight

NEXT TIME: Cutthroat Island. Be afraid.

All images belong to their respective owners and are only used for the purposes of review.

Why I Love Shadow Hearts Covenant,or How to Actually Write Characters in Video Games



Two articles in a day (or close to a day), that's pretty rare for me, folks. Yep, I'm out of college and coming out fists flying this summer Hopefully I can maintain this momentum, but I make no promises. Anyway, this is going to be an article on a great game a good friend sat me down to play last quarter: Shadow Hearts Covenant. It defies so many conventions that a general article did not cover it, so there will be two following articles covering two characters in particular and how they are arguably the best characters in a game I've seen in a long time.

A bit of background info should probably preface my ranting so here's a highly abbreviated version of the vague history for the Shadow Hearts series.






Covenant came out in on the PS2 in 2004 to a fairly widespread release and gained a cult following in Europe and the States. The response in Japan was considerably stronger, so much so that it warranted a special Director's Cut release that those of us unfortunate enough to not live in the land of the rising sun will never EVER see like half of the other awesome releases over there (Why, no, I'm not bitter about the whole not releasing Persona 2: Innocent Sin, why do you ask?). Covenant was a sequel to Shadow Hearts (cue every reader rolling their eyes and commenting on my intelligence level for feeling it necessary to state the title), which was released in 2001 on the PS2 and featured less refined versions of Covenant's control mechanics. Shadow Hearts in turn was the spiritual successor to a largely forgotten survivor horror RPG called Koudelka which came out on the PSX in 1999.



Shadow Hearts has some ties to Koudelka through character references and the fact that the titular character's, Koudelka, son is in your party. However, most of those ties are largely forgotten in Covenant. The things which makes the Shadow Hearts series interesting (Covenant in particular, since I'll be focusing on that one mostly) as opposed to most conventional JRPGs, and also the reasons I'm talking about it, boil down to two essential points that inform other aspects of the games, the time period and the characters.




The Shadow Hearts games are based in history, which is pretty rare for the genre in general. The first game takes place in 1913. Much of the first half of the game takes place in Japanese occupied China and the locale from there switches to Europe as events unfold. Covenant takes place during the 1914, the first year of World War I for those of you too lazy to look it up. This is sort of relevant as among your rather hodgepodge party are a Lieutenant of the Imperial German army and Princess Anastasia Romanov herself. You interact with such historical figures as Thomas Lawrence, Czar Nicholas II and Exotic Dancer/ Spy Margerete Gertrude Zelle (a returning face from the 1st Shadow Hearts) better known as Mata Hari. Hell, One of the major enemies for the first half of the Game is Grigori fucking Rasputin, I kid you not. How epic is that? The locales and character occupations aren't the only thing affected. Clothing, particularly for the NPCs (I won't comment a lot on your party because they're sort of...odd and their clothing is just one aspect of oddness) is accurate to the time and many of your less outlandish weapons and armor are grounded in reality.



The third one (Shadow Hearts: From the New World), which I like to pretend didn't happen because it sucks, takes place during 1929, misses those little details. You have a talking cat in your party who was Al Capone's bodyguard. Talking. Cat. Bodyguard. Think on that for a second.

That's not to say there isn't a fantasical element to the first two Shadow Hearts games, but it's balanced well by the historical context and never overplayed the way it is in the third one. But enough about the suck of Shadow Hearts: From the New World. Let's get back to the point of this article...or at least, what I think was the point when I started this.


Your party in Covenant is sort of an interesting mix of eccentricity. To give you an idea, your main character (Yuri Hyuga and the subject of an article all his own) is a half japanese, half Russian (sort of, but explaining that would be a HUGE SPOILER and I'm not that much of a jerk that I'd spoil probably the biggest twist in the game. Not going to stop me from spoiling other things, but still...) ruffian who can fuse with the monsters he's killed to turn into a monster himself, and he's just the start. Your party will grow to include the aforementioned German Lieutenant who is the only sane man (or rather, woman) of your party, a lecherous old puppeteer who fights using a Lolita-esque puppet designed after his late daughter, a wolf, a wresting vampire who makes weapons out of objects he picks up at random, a bimbo Florentine fortune teller, Princess Anastasia Romanov and a Japanese swordsman with the same ability as Yuri (and is honestly quite dull, but that's just my opinion).

All of the characters are interesting, varied and blatantly fly in the face of a lot of tropes that so plague RPGs. Hell, the fact alone that they are indeed CHARACTERS, not plot contrivances to keep things moving and to get you from point A to B makes them notable. Granted there is some fan service in regards to the female characters, but it's sort of mocked by the fact that the guys in the game (well, except Joachim the vampire, but he's...unique) treat it as such and this fact is played up for laughs. I mean, here's where you first meet the fortune teller character.



Just try and tell me that's not being meta about the whole fanservice thing.

NOTE: The characters bios are all a little bit spoilery. They need to be to make my point. If that bothers you, skip to my conclusions and I hope you enjoyed this very general discussion of Shadow Hearts and it's characters.



Lucia is the earlier referred to Florentine fortune teller. She's raised by Carla, a former member of Sapientes Gladio, an organization that seems to want Yuri dead/out of commission so she's a bit sheltered. Coupled with her occupation that's left her with a bit of an...odd perception of things. Well, rather than explain it, here's a couple of examples of her oddness:





Aside from...well being a bimbo airhead and one of several comic relief characters (she, Anastasia and Joachim are the three stooges of your party), she doesn't have much depth aside from a cat fight/feud with her former fellow student Veronica, who's now working for Sapientes Gladio. However, because she's comic relief she's sort of freed up to regularly lean on the fourth wall. Granted, all the characters do this quite frequently, but she does it in a fashion that reminiscent of Osaka from Azumanga Daioh; odd, quirky and, as one of the clips showed, sometimes a bit disturbing.



Anastasia is sort of in the same boat. As a royal, she's lived pretty removed from everyday life and you can see that in her interactions with other characters. Her impetuous and spitfire attitude only makes her come off worse initially. However, she's much more politically aware than one would expect and this cutscene in particular illustrates how very aware she is of the situation in Imperialist Russia and it's causes.



It's interesting to see a character who is very much a young child, but at the same time forced by birth and situation to mature very quickly and Anastasia balances the two quite well.



Joachim Valentine, a wrestling vampire, Anastasia's personal pack muleand the gayest straight man I've ever seen manages to come so close to so many tropes that he becomes a mockery of them. He is the ridiculously over done hero complete with wacky secret identity.



Yes, his form is basically "Grand Butterfly" and yes, he uses that voice every single time he opens his mouth. He's ridiculous, over the top, and completely unaware of how gay he is. His master, the Great Gama (also a historical figure, don't know if he's as gay as he is in the game. A bit scared to find out one way or the other to be honest.) is teribly, terribly gay, and Joachim is so dense he doesn't get it. He and Lucia seem to be competing for who is the densest character in the entire game. However, in being that dense and playing so many superhero tropes so completely straight (see the below clips for proof) he ends up making them one big joke and it's awesome.

Kurando, the Japanese swordsman, is...well he's sort of dull. You get him in the last leg of the game, so he really doesn't get fleshed out so much as the other characters react to him in what little screen time he gets, so it's forgivable. Gepetto the puppeteer is pretty much how I summed him up earlier. He's a lecher and a drinker who fights with a lolita-esque puppet modeled after his late daughter. There is literally nothing I can add to that.




That just leaves Blanca Blanca is the wolf who joins your party with Yuri and Gepetto shortly after some major plot shit goes down and Yuri gets a rather rough introduction to Sapientes Gladio. He and Karin (the German Lieutenant) are the two "sane men" in a group full of eccentrics. However, unlike Karin, Blanca can't exactly talk so it's not as though he can comment much on the craziness around him. That particular problem gets him started in his wolf bout sidequest actually.

Aside from being a sane wolf with a party of oddballs, Blanca also ends up pretty much saving everyone's asses on a few occasions and even gets a solo side bit when you first get to Japan.

There are a number of secondary characters of Covenant who are notable as well. Roger Bacon and Saki Inugami are definitely worth the mention at the very least.



Bacon is, in this game's canon, a 700 year old alchemist/scientist/eternal love child (his words not mine) who created the party's means of travel to Russia and Japan and serves as exposition for much of the Rasputin plot. He also is a central player in what is arguably the most heartwrenching scene I've ever seen in a game, but that will be addressed in one of the other articles.



He also seems to be the party's unintentional punching bag, since they...seem to forget him a few times.


Saki Inugami is Kurando's mother, Yuri's aunt, and frigging nuts. She's a powerful mystic in her own right and actually helps you out in a big way when you first meet her. What makes her nuts is the fact that she:

- Tries to hook up her son with Anastasia, who is CONSIDERABLY younger than him. Granted she is very, very into him, but that's beside the point.

- Hints at things in a fashion that makes you want to look for a quick exit.

- Drops a huge bomb on Karin (though you're not privy to it at first) in a really roundabout, pretty causal, way.

She cryptic without being frustrating about it and an entertaining character in her own right.

The last bit of this article will be devoted to four of the game's antagonists. Rasputin is not included in this list because he's actually pretty generic and sort of annoying because of it.



Nicolas (Nicolai) Conrad is Rasputin's main flunky who later steps out and becomes the major villain (sort of) of the Japan arc. He's a Cardinal and a member of Sapientes Gladio in a hope that he will be able to overthrow Rasputin after he takes power in Russia and take control himself. He makes a soul pact with the demon Astaroth to this end, even though by the time you take him out he's been posessed by Astaroth.

Nicolai is interesting because he is still flawed. He has a serious inferiority complex when it comes to Yuri and obsesses over Karin because of it. However, because of this complex he is aware of what a threat Yuri poses and even points that out to Rasputin, who doesn't really take it into consideration. Manipulative and driven, Nicolai is a believable threat.



Lenny is one Nicolai's henchmen whose a decent guy but a terrible bad guy. He's easily tricked into giving up information, enforces politeness and teaches arithmetic to a petty thief to help him get his act together, He's portrayed at a guy who is trying to do his job well, but just doesn't fit the role and it works brilliantly.





Veronica, as mentioned before, was one of Carla's students along with Lucia and the two of them are sort of catty about that. She's the typical bondage queen character who pops up in JRPGs every now and again, but she's so undermined by the party and those around her, her act never quite works, which makes her much more comical than threatening. Still, she doesn't fall for the tricks Lenny does so that is something.



Kato is the game end boss and one of the toughest kinds of villains to make: the sympathetic villain. He's a returning character from the first Shadow Hearts and he lost his lover in the course of that game. He attempts and sort of succeeds at reviving her in this game only to lose her again. His struggles and failure to posess this one small bit of happiness in his life is what makes him believably sympathetic and even as he plans to go back into the past and remake the world, he still manages to come off as a likable guy...you know, if he wasn't ending the world as we know it. It's a less cut and dry confrontation than the Nicolai or Rasputin ones are and a perfectly fitting end boss for the game.

That's a brief summary of the unconventional characters of Shadow Hearts Covenant. Next time is a closer focus on one of the last two characters: Karin Koenig.

Keep on Gaming,

Jenna Darknight


(Just because I'm having far too much fun with the embed feature, I included this vid of the party undermining one of the minor Japan arc bosses, enjoy.)



(all images/videos property of Midway and Aruze who produced this awesome series of games and are nice people and...don't want to sue me.)

An Open Letter to Tim Burton (About Things He Does to Piss Me Off)

Okay, Tim Burton, we need to talk.

Well, I need to talk and though I doubt you'll ever find this blog entry, you need to listen. I finally had a chance to see Alice in Wonderland, and while it wasn't a total mess of a film, it illustrated a lot of problems I have with you and was bad enough that I'm using it as a basis to write this. Now I know you're making fantastic money off all the goth kids buying Nightmare Before Christmas stuff at Hot Topic, but really, Tim Burton, that's not a legitimate excuse for these half assed efforts you've been turning out in recent years. Granted, many of them are enjoyable, but they lack the creativity of your earlier films. So, let's get this little discussion rolling and maybe, we'll get some work done here.

5.) Stop using CGI for everything.

Now, I understand that CGI is a great tool for film makers. It lets them accomplish things they couldn't have before and it's great that it helps you do your job (entertaining your audience) better, but it's no reason to phone it in. Your movies lack any sense of danger because you're not bothering to make good CGI. Your Bandersnatch and Jabberwocky made Power Rangers villains look threatening. Think about that. You just made Rita Repulsa threatening. That's bad and you should feel bad.

4.) Stop being creepy for creepy's sake.

Look, Tim, you do great creepy. We love your creepy. Mars Attacks!, Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice....all really great, but you've pretty much fallen into replicating two basic atmospheres for your movies: "whimsically creepy" and "dark and creepy". While you're really good at them, it wouldn't hurt to mix things up. I mean, couldn't you do another Big Fish type movie? something that's charming and whimsical without pandering to the goth kiddie crowd? Or what about another arty sort of film like Ed Wood? I know that one flopped at the box office, but you still put yourself out there and tried, so why not do the same now?

3.) Please put plot ahead of visuals.

This is sort of a common problem in Hollywood now, so don't feel too bad that you fall into this category. However, you've always been able to balance style and substance pretty well so maybe this is just a sign to re-evaluate things. Alice in Wonderland was ALL about the visuals. There was little in the way of plot and what was there didn't make sense. Same with your re-envisioning of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, it was gorgeous but ultimately forgettable. That's not the reaction you want from a filmgoer, so you might want to think on this.

2.) Stop doing remakes

Seriously. Just stop. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was a classic, as was the original Planet of the Apes and Disney's 1951 version of Alice and Wonderland, even if the latter did sort of scar me as a kid. Your best stuff in my book: Beetlejuice, Nightmare Before Christmas, Mars Attacks! and Big Fish were all original pieces. Because of that, they stand out all the more. Don't fall into the remake pit, Tim, be better than that.

1.) STOP PUTTING JOHNNY DEPP (AND HELENA BONHAM CARTER) IN ALL YOUR MOVIES!

The Helena Bonham Carter thing is a new one, since she's only been a regular in your films since '01, but seriously Tim, Hollywood's a big place. There have to be other people you can hire. And that's not to say they're not good actors, they are, but Jesus Christ on toast having them in every film is not the greatest idea. Depp was not the best choice for the Mad Hatter and he was not the best choice for Willy Wonka. You could have done better, so why didn't you broaden your scope? Does Depp have some blackmail material on you? Did you lose a bet? What? Whatever it is, get rid of it and fast.

And there you have it Tim Burton, my suggestions for your improvement. Take them or leave them (seriously, take them, at this rate I will stop going to your movies seriously), but I've gotten them off my chest and that's what matters to me.

Intends to do more than rant eventually,

Jenna Darknight