The Marshal sadly awaiting his tentacle raping.Okay, so I was mucking about Hulu the other day and came across an old cartoon series called Bravestarr. I'd never seen the series, or even heard of it, so I decided to check it out. After having watched the first episode my brain had turned into goo.
To give you an idea of what's in store here is the intro on youtube. At the :50 mark is when the show starts to melt your sensibilities.
The pilot is called New Texas Blues and it does nothing that a pilot is supposed to do. We get no explanation as to why Marshal Bravestarr has the powers that he does and we meet two characters that I cannot for the life of me remember being in the intro. According to IMBD the first episode was called The Disappearance of Thirty-Thirty, but really I can't be bothered to watch it.
The first person to talk is Deputy Fuzz. If you recognize his voice that's because it's done by Charlie Adler who has saturated your Saturday morning cartoon life with characters on his roster like Cobra Commander, Doctor Doom, Starscream, Buster Bunny, Professor Monkey-For-A-Head, and nearly the entire cast of both Cow and Chicken and Rocko's Modern Life. With a character list like that he really should be ashamed of himself. Though, he was also Eric Raymond, Zipper and Techrat in Jem so I suppose, what with voice acting being such a lucrative business, whatever got him a paycheck was good enough.
Anyway, Deputy Fuzz takes his cues from other tiny animal sidekicks like Orko and Snarf. Be cute and just vaguely useful. As you can see when he mentions the plot of the episode, a music competition. Next we get to meet Thirty-Thirty BraveStarr's talking techno horse. The one we saw in the intro sprouting humanoid arms and legs. He has a giant gun he's named Sarah Jane and it's the first name for these character's we've gotten thus far. Next is hot red headed Judge J.B. McBride. She's the romantic interest, which should be obvious since she's going to a) sing in the competition and b) is an attractive girl who we meet in the first few minutes. She makes a point of needing to go practice and the scene moves on to the show's main villian.
We meet the back of the head of Stampede, a wrinkled old green dragon with what looks like metal bull horns stuck on his head. He's complaining about how much of a complete failure Tex Hex (also voiced by Mr. Adler) is at being a villain. He then gives the man a guitar that has the power to make people riot and take down buildings. He's named it The Black Widow. Tex Hex asks what he's supposed to do with a guitar, which is a reasonable question, really, since he'd probably have no idea there was a music competition going on. Stampede gives him simple instructions. Give it to someone who wants to win. Just proving that Stampede trusts a total stranger to pull off the job more than he does Tex Hex.
The next scene we meet the 'guy who wants to win' and his bandmate who's the voice of reason. Don't let the strange character design fool you, they're plot characters. They serve no function other than to drive the plot. Though, the 'guy who wants to win' does have a really magical way of playing that keytar.
Next we have the hero group complaining about the lack of backup. Apparently they feel something will go down at the concert (probably because they're attending) and the local law enforcement felt it was best to focus their efforts on the robot rebellion rather than indulge the Marshal's gut feeling.
Meanwhile Tex Hex is explaining his job to two more villians Vipra and Outlaw Skuzz. Vipra has the power to hypnotize people and carries a snake gun that paralyzes people. Outlaw Skuzz has a nasty smoking habit (SMOKING IS BAD KIDS) and carries a really keen insight on the human (and alien) mind. Of the badguys so far he's really been my favorite. He's actually the most competent at completing a task, even if the ones given to him are of a sidekick nature.
Tex Hex tells the two he wants them to start trouble. I'm not sure why, as one would think staying on the down low would be the best plan here, but this is probably why Tex Hex fails and villainy. Outlaw Skuzz actually asks this question. Tex Hex tells him it's to distract Marshal Bravestarr. Of course, if he didn't try to distract him, the man wouldn't know he was there. But then he also thinks that if he can just get things into enough disarray then he can just take over. So his plans aren't really that thought out.
So now the Intergalactic Music Contest begins and we get to hear some space music. Each of the bands are caught in a three movement loop while the music is performed, and it's really just god awful. It repeats the same few lines over and over again and they're not sung that well. I'm actually agreeing with Vipra on the whole hating music thing.
The Marshal complains about nothing eventful happening while Outlaw Skuzz uses his keen observation skills to pick out the alien not enjoying the music and then pesters him about it until he declares he doesn't like it. Then after a bit of rib poking 'oh ho ho' to the human next to him he actually manages to get them to fight one another. He hightails it out just before Thirty-Thirty and Marshal Bravestarr show up to break up the fight with a flowery speach. Outlaw Skuzz, being bright enough to leave after starting the fight, isn't there, but he's described so the Marshal knows who it is.
At about the same time Tex Hex is giving the Black Widow to our plot drivers. It was sure lucky he broke his keytar and refuses to play his old one.
The second band takes stage, this one's robots and they sound just like the first band. Marshal uses his EYES OF THE HAWK to scan the crowd. He spots Vipra.
More complaining with plot driver voice of reason.
Vipra picks a fight with the couple who just want to leave the blasted competition. She pulls her gun...yeah and Thirty-Thirty shows up to stop her from...paralyzing some people. He lets go of her arm, she points it at him, Marshal lassos her arm, yanks her out of the seats, ties her up, then shoots her out of the stadium with a grappling rocket of some sort. Now the Marshal suspects Tex Hex...for whatever reason. He goes back stage.
Our plot drivers are testing out the guitar it kills some flowers, but since the likelihood of that being connected to the guitar playing really is pretty slim, they pay it no mind. Well, the dude does, the girl is the voice of reason, after all.
While that's happening the Marshal is talking to the Judge about seeing anything strange. She didn't, seeing as how she was in her own trailer. She's announced to go on stage and we get to hear her sing.
Next the plot devices take the stage! They play and the riot breaks out. They somehow just know it's the guitar, but they play again anyway making the place start to crumble. Also, apparently the guitar shoots lightening. NO! He doesn't WANT to win with fighting and property damage!
The marshal spots Tex Hex. Tex Hex runs on stage, takes the guitar, and does what he probably should have done in the first play. Plays it himself. And OF COURSE! Having the bands play a song about peace and love will stop the riot AND nullify the guitar! AND IT DOES! Of course, one has to wonder why a guy who has the power to shoot off energy bolts, blow up mountains, transform, and summon creatures called 'fire-snakes' would let the fact the guitar stopped working make him give up. He even leaves in a burst of purple flames as a giant black skull. He really does just fail as a villain.
Funnily enough the plot devices don't win and the dude who wants to win declares he'll win of his own merit and not some strangers guitar. Good for him. Snarfo shows up to get his autograph and everyone has a good laugh.
At the end of the episode we get a Inspector Gadgetesque moral summary. DON'T BE TEMPTED, KIDS!
I only bothered to watch two more episodes of the show. Sherlock Holmes in the 23rd Century parts one and two. Because I enjoy hurting myself.
Good god, techno horse,
Serenity Frost